What is Normal after Separation?
It is not uncommon for a child to refrain from asking about a parent after a separation, and this behaviour can be influenced by several factors. Children process separation in various ways depending on their age, personality, emotional state, and the dynamics of the separation. Here are some possible explanations:
1. Emotional Regulation and Loyalty Conflicts
- A child may avoid mentioning one parent to avoid upsetting the other. This can be particularly common if the separation has been acrimonious or if the child senses tension between their parents.
- They may feel conflicted about expressing a desire to see or talk about the other parent, especially if they perceive that one parent is hurt or angry.
2. Developmental Stage
- Younger children may lack the ability to articulate their feelings or understand the permanence of the separation.
- Older children might process the absence internally rather than expressing it outwardly, as they may not feel comfortable sharing those feelings.
3. Attachment and Presence
- If a child feels securely attached to the absent parent, they may not feel the immediate need to ask about them, especially if they are confident the parent will remain in their life.
- On the other hand, if contact has been irregular or non-existent, the child might suppress thoughts about the absent parent as a coping mechanism.
4. Coping Mechanisms
- Some children might appear disinterested as a way to manage feelings of loss, fear, or confusion. Avoiding the subject can be a way to protect themselves emotionally.
5. Encouragement and Environment
- If the custodial parent or environment does not actively encourage discussions about the other parent, the child might refrain from asking out of a belief that it’s unwelcome.
What Parents Can Do
- Foster Open Communication: Create a safe space where the child feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings about both parents without fear of judgment.
- Normalise Their Feelings: Reassure the child that any feelings they have—positive or negative—toward either parent are valid.
- Encourage Connection: Facilitate contact with the other parent if appropriate and safe, ensuring the child knows they have access and permission to maintain that relationship.
If you have concerns about the child’s emotional well-being or behaviour, consulting a child psychologist or counsellor can provide further insights and strategies tailored to the situation.
In Mediation we help parents to work together to keep the focus on their children needs, and how best to work together to make sure their child is emotionally safe.
If you want to find out more about Family Mediation then contact us on 0330 332 2488
